By Jay C. Grelen, Arkansas Monitor (formerly Maumelle Monitor[ed])
When it comes to snatching quarters from enormous men who could snap one of his arms like a twig, Tom Fite knows no fear. In fact, the bigger the bloke, the better the brag.
Tom has snatched quarters from men who are so tall they could slurp soup from a bowl on top of his head. He has grabbed two-bits from hands that could crush his hand like a chicken egg. Darren McFadden, Arkansas Razor(running)back, Heisman Trophy contender, Oakland Raider, and Dallas Cowboy could not beat Tom. Tom claims six-foot-six Joseph Pinion, who played at Morrilton High, and signed with the Razorback hoopsters, gave up his quarter every time. (Mr. Pinion, who Tom swears descends from triplet brothers named Franklin, Delano, and Roosevelt, is transferring to Arkansas State University.
Tom Fite is the constable in Van Buren, married to state Representative Charlene Fite (District 24). He is the card-carrying executive vice-president of HOWL — Husbands of Women Legislators.
During the Legislature’s current fiscal session, which is expected to end May 2, Tom has been working as a Red Coat for the House of Representatives. The Red Coats ensure everyone is in his place and displace those who aren’t. Tom is quick to pull out a quarter and challenge anyone who isn’t otherwise occupied — representatives, senators, other Red Coats, athletes, easily impressed kids, and probably strangers on an elevator, although that’s just educated speculation.
On Thursday (April 25, 2024), Central High School’s state championship men’s and women’s basketball teams visited the Capitol as guests of the House and the Senate. The teams lined the glass in the House VIP room, which overlooks the House chamber, as the Representatives stood up, approved a resolution honoring the athletes, and applauded them.
While the players looked down over the House, Mr. Fite sneaked around behind their backs and learned that senior Annor Boateng, who will play for Mizzou in the fall, was the player to challenge. So as the team filed one-behind-the-other out of the VIP room, Tom made his way through the line to catch up with Annor who had just passed the metal detector.
Annor didn’t know what to think about this guy in the white shirt and red coat. Everyone in line looked wary. They all just stood and watched.
“Right-handed or left-handed?” Tom asked, reaching for Annor’s right hand.
Tom instructed Annor to hold his hand out flat, palm up, and put a quarter on his palm. Tom pulled off his red coat as if he was about to brawl. “Here, hold my sweet tea,” he said. (Not. I made that up. But it would have been fitting.)
Tom noted that Annor had closed his fist around the quarter.
“Trying to cheat an old man,” Tom said, and since he’s the one who mentioned age, Tom’s 79.
Then Tom explained that he would put his hand flat beneath Annor’s, palm up also, then flip his hand and attempt to snatch the quarter from him.
“When I start to grab it, you close your hand,” Tom said.
“You ready?” Tom asked, and quicker than a flea can bat an eyelash, Tom’s hand was on top, and then his closed fist hovered over Annor’s.
“Got it?” Tom asked and looked in his hand. “No,” he said, and opened his fist. “I got it.”
His schoolmates laughed.
“Do it again,” someone said.
“Okay,” Tom said, “hold your hand flat. We’ll give you a head start. You’re a li-tt-le slow.”
Tom shook out his hand to loosen his joints and wrist, and put it beneath Annor’s again.
“Bam!” someone said as Tom took the quarter a second time.
“I may be old,” Tom said, “but I’m not slow.”
Then he said: “Darren McFadden couldn’t beat me either.”
As the students moved toward the stairs for a photograph with their state representatives, Tom and Annor shook hands.
“Thank you very much,” Tom said.
“You’re pretty good,” replied the young man who is one of those men who could eat soup off the top of Tom’s head. Women’s Coach Marlon Williams, who led his team to a state championship after just four years, had been standing nearby in the unlikely event that Annor needed backup.
Boy’s Coach Brian Ross, who is leaving the school after six seasons, smiled and shook Tom’s hand on the way out. “You got him,” he said.
Then, as he moved past Mr. Fite, he suggested a snatch-the-quarter game Annor could win hands down. “You know, he could jump and grab that quarter off the top of the backboard.”
Arkansas Monitor (formerly Maumelle Monitor[ed], we outgrew our circulation boundary, or maybe we’re just too big for our britches) comforts the afflicted and afflicts the afflicters. If you’re an afflicter, buckle up and batten down. We’re here. If you’re afflicted, breathe easy. We’re here. We also write stories that have nothing to do with affliction.
This is Jay Grelen. I hope you remember me from my Sweet Tea column in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. The state’s largest newspaper published the column for seven years on the front page of its Arkansas section on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. That was a while ago. The newspaper business has changed. Now I’m a newspaper refugee clutching his manual typewriter and trying to stay afloat. I worked in the newspaper racket for 35 years, including stints at the Denver Post, the Lexington Herald-Leader, the Baton Rouge Morning Advocate, and the Mobile Register. My last stop was a 10-year stay at the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. In 2017, Governor Asa Hutchinson hired me as his senior writer; after nearly six years with Governor Hutchinson, I became chief of staff to the mayor of Maumelle (where I’ve lived for 21 years), who in August 2023 promoted me to Chief of Staff Emeritus. I have returned to writing for a living, and I am participating in the much balleyhooed rebirth of local journalism. The first mission of Arkansas Monitor (formerly Maumelle Monitor[ed]) is to chase the elected foxes away from the public henhouses, which belong to the constituents who voted them into office. Arkansas Monitor takes is name from Maumelle Monitor[ed], which was named in honor of its now-deceased predecessor, the Maumelle Monitor. Subscriptions are free, but paid subscriptions are available and someday soon we will post bonus material for paid subscribers on our sister site, The Birdsong County Whistler. Thank you for reading, however you choose to participate. Jay Grelen, Storyteller in Chief.
Central High's six-foot-six basketball star ranks No. 1 in state and nationwide polls; scores hundreds of points; grabs scores of rebounds; his GPA is 3.7. Pretty good reflexes, no doubt. But ...